“We went from zero to everything, all in a day…” – Counting Crows, “Possibility Days”

My brother, N, posted a darling photo on Facebook this week. It was of him when he was around age 4. As has become my habit when seeing photos of my biological family, I immediately starting searching for family resemblance. I personally feel that we look a lot alike as adults, but this was one of the first pictures I’d seen of him as a little boy. I was stunned. It wasn’t quite like looking like in a mirror, but close to it. Same scrunched up eyes, same skin tone, same hair color, same smile. I commented by posting a photo of myself around the same time.

Pretty quickly, his friends started commenting on how much his son, H, looks like him. And it’s absolutely true – he’s a mini me of N. No one, however, commented on my photo comment. And why would they? I doubt any of them knew who I was. But I started to feel a little melancholy. I began to think about the 41 years we had lost. Pictures we had never taken, play dates we had never had, Christmases and birthdays we never celebrated together. I grew up with my brother G, but only two years ago discovered that I had not only another brother but a sister, too. We are all in reunion now and it’s wonderful..but from time to time, the “real” sets in and it makes me long for memories that we never made. I’ve heard it said “how can you miss what you never had?” but I am here to tell you – it is absolutely possible. Seeing photographs is like seeing ghosts from my past…only the spirits have now come back to life. I want to crawl inside the photos and insert myself, too. Then I think about if I had grown up with N and A, I obviously would never have known G. And it’s not about a “better” or “worse” life…it just would have been different. It’s impossible not to think about the what might have beens. I try not to dwell there, but I think it’s important to explore the feelings all the same.

To be sure, we have made a precious few memories since and will continue to do so going forward. Strangely, in many ways the paternal side of my reunion went much more “smoothly” than the maternal. (more on that later!) But adoptees are incredibly emotional beings. And one emotion I keep coming back to is “unsatisfied”.

We live 4 hours from one another, N and A (my sister) and I, and we all have families and jobs. So it makes it hard to get together as often as I would like (which is, frankly, every week). I have to work on seeing them (as well as my maternal side) more often, but life creeps in and makes it hard. Before we know it, months have slipped by. All of these “possibility days” (thanks Adam Duritz) and I feel sometimes as if I will run out of time before I am satisfied. How does one make up for 41 years of lost time? It’s impossible.

“And the worst part of a good day
Is knowing it’s slipping away
That’s one more possibility day
That is gone..

Me and you, we know too many reasons
For people and seasons that pass
Like they weren’t even here

And the worst part of a good day
Is the one thing you don’t say
And you don’t know how but you
Wish there was some way…” – Counting Crows, “Possibility Days”

*Counting Crows is my favorite band. So you should expect to be reading many more quotes from them on my blog. #sorrynotsorry