So…first blog since Corona came to town. Hope all my readers are doing well and staying healthy. As I write this, we are on day 24 of a stay-at-home order that is currently scheduled to last until the end of April. Here’s hoping it doesn’t get extended past May. My kids have been home, doing distance learning, since that time and my husband has been working from home as well. I understand the privilege we have to be able to do so, and I salute those who have to continue to go out into the world for work.

Like most of us, I have been spending far too much time watching the news and being on my phone, with information overload. But one common theme I have noticed again and again is people saying a variation of the phrase:

“They died alone.” It is but one of many horrors of this pandemic, the ill who succumb are in isolation and the lucky ones are able to FaceTime their families before they go. It is, in a word, awful.

My dad died alone. Probably he just “stopped breathing” and his death, by all accounts, was peaceful. Maybe he died in his sleep. This is what I chose to believe. I had seen him just eight hours before, and I know he was at peace and ready when the time came.

My mom also died alone. Unfortunately, I think it was the opposite of my dad’s experience. From what we could gather (from the nurse who was on duty at the time, who called my brother): my mom had been receiving oxygen since she had been admitted. At some point, the night she died, she kept removing the mask which would set off an alarm, which caused the nurses to keep running in and making her put it back on. This scenario eventually disintegrated to the point where mom needed to be intubated. Here’s the thing about intubating a person who’s completely coherent: it is fucking hard to do. A person’s innate survival instincts kicks in, and they fight it. My mom was no different. It is unclear if it was mom’s actions or her cancer that prevented them from successfully intubating her; the kind nurse spared our feelings I think when she said she believed it was the later.

So my mom died the way most of these Covid patients do – gasping for breath, feeling like she was drowning, and with no family at her side. This is what made me saddest about her death. Nobody should die alone. But even in a time where there’s no pandemic, it stands to reason that many people do.

Here’s what I want you to know. (DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a legal or medical expert. I am NOT a medical doctor or attorney. Just a grieving daughter. YMMV, etc. ) Now, friends, is the time to have “the talk” with your parents (spouses too). It’s time to make all the plans and arrangements. Obviously, you and your parents need to be in the right frame of mind to have these discussions so if you are on good terms with them, PLEASE begin this process NOW.

It starts, of course, with wills and end of life care but there is so much more that needs to be discussed. Here’s a list of what I wish my brother and I knew before our parents passed:

1. Update wills. Fortunately, we were able to have my mom complete this process after Dad died. Remember that everything takes longer than you think it will. If your parents don’t have a lawyer, find them a reputable one. An accountant too.
2. Update medical power of attorneys/end of life care instructions. Here, the most important advice I can offer you is have your parents be as specific and thorough as possible. Have them name someone, preferably you or a sibling, in charge for medical care if they become unable to make decisions.
3. Know your parents’ WiFi login, and where they keep their passwords. Ask them for updates every time you see them. “Has anything changed?” Here’s what we found out: passwords only get you so far. Take extra steps and memorize your grandparents and great grandparents names, which are often used as a two-step authentication. My parents have been gone for months, and my brother just texted me last week to ask me the first name of our dad’s paternal grandfather (our great grandfather). He was trying to close a credit card my dad had. I happened to have a family photo sitting next to me, with that person in it, and all the names were written on the photo.
4. This goes along with number 3. Make yourself a notebook with ALL of the utilities and services, and bills attached to your parents. Mortgage, to doctors, to water and sewer, to lawn care and cable, to the company who provides the oxygen they get at home. Who to call to cancel services and send final payments too. It took me 3 minutes to get the account on file at Walgreen’s closed (and the credit card along with it) but it took my brother THREE MONTHS to get their AT&T account closed. Generally, we have found what you can do in person goes smoother/faster than doing it over the phone or online. Most companies do not want a scene in public! 🙂
5. While your parents are still alive, if they will agree, get yourself (or a trusted sibling) added as an additional name on every account they will allow you to. Even for things you might not think of, like a security system. (true story – we couldn’t get the security system turned off because my dad didn’t add anyone else on his account) Even if your parents won’t agree to total financial access, they can at least put your name on accounts as a person to speak with. That way, when you go to the bank, they will be able to tell you how much money is in their account. If you aren’t listed, you get zero info. It is all for their protection, and yours, but it can be VERY frustrating and ties your hands when you need access to cash. Which brings me to number…
6. Think about how you will pay for a funeral. Fun fact: funerals, even simple ones, are expensive and must be paid up front. You can expect an minimal cost of $5,000 and they can shoot up quickly to $20,000. My dad’s was a little extravagant and on the higher end. By contrast, my mom’s was very simple and the same funeral home didn’t work much with us on cost. It wound up only being a few thousand less than dad’s (a post for another day). Honor your parent’s wishes if that’s important to you, (it was for us) but be aware that you need to pony up almost immediately. Generally, life insurance can be used to “pay yourself back” for these costs but again, it takes a long time to get this money so be sure you are prepared to carry a credit card payment for the funeral for several months, if need be (that is what my brother and I had to do). Along with this: if you can convince your surviving parent to pay for pre-arrangements for themselves, this is ideal because the funeral home is typically willing to freeze the cost at the current time’s going rates.
7. For parents who are currently experiencing health issues: ask your parents to have you added to all care plans with regards to their medical stuff. This can be daunting, but if you have a good and open relationship with your parents, it is essential for your peace of mind. My mom agreed to let me or my brother tag along to oncology appointments, where we were free to ask any questions regarding her health. That privilege, of course, existed only within the confines of that appointment. Because of HIPAA regulations, doctor are never going to give you information about your parents unless your parent is sitting there and gives permission, UNLESS you are listed on their care plan. It can be extremely frustrating, sad, and disheartening. My parents were both very private people and refused to talk about most of this stuff, which is why being allowed to go to my mom’s oncology and other doctor appointments was so beneficial to me. In times of stress and age-related memory issues, being able to get the straight scoop from the doctor is so helpful. I strongly believe in a “second pair of eyes and ears”, not to mention being an advocate for your parent if they aren’t doing a good job of it themselves. I hate to break it to all us of, but people are still getting diagnosed with horrible shit every day. Stay at home order, be damned.  Have. A. Plan.
8. When you order death certificates (typically done through the funeral home), order twice as many as you think you’ll need. They aren’t free, but everyone (even AT&T) needs a copy to get shit done. We ordered 25 when each parent died. If you have to order more later, it can take FOREVER. FWIW, the funeral home told us to expect the certificates to arrive in 4-6 weeks and both times, they came in 2. YMMV.

To sum up…have the talk with them now. Write it all down, now. Get all the passwords and logins and two-step authentications answer now. GET ON ALL CARE PLANS NOW. Let me repeat that…GET ON ALL CARE PLANS NOW. We all have a lot of time on our hands. Skype your parents, and get the ball rolling. Tell them this story. I would do anything to save you from the bullshit of the red tape that ensues during a time of grief. Please make a plan for them, with them. Stay home, wash your hands, love you all.

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